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Travel Not Tour - by Liv Hambrett

Travel Not Tour - March 2008

And so we stood before a teased tornado of salt and pepper hair, our luggage pooled at our feet, our cab driver roaring from view. One by one, we began to laugh. Because our clothes were sticking to our bodies, because we hadn't slept in what felt like five years, because we were in the ghetto, having watched all the pretty parts of the island pass us by in a cab driven by a madman who didn't speak English (word of note, not many people in New York do). Because initial disbelief at our surroundings gave way to hysterical, barking laughter at the hair. Irwin ushered us into a basement style bedroom that bore two raised queen sized beds sporting butterfly encrusted doonas, a kitchenette that consisted of a toaster and a microwave balancing precariously on the wall, and a sumptuous indoor rockery arrangement.


We fell asleep that night to the soothing sounds of neighbourhood domestics, backfiring cars and the occasional rustle of indoor rockery.

The first week of New York went by in a whirl of big breakfasts, sangria, late night ferry rides, and spotting NYC firemen. No one loves eating quite like the Americans do, and no one does breakfast quite like the New Yorkers. At our regular diner, in the Financial District, Georges (Dad that should ring a bell for you) we came to be loved by the staff for our loyalty and willingness to embrace the menu in its entirity.

The shopping in Soho and Greenwich Village is superb. From perfumeries and flea markets in the village, to 6-garments-to-a-rack-because- they're-so-expensive-we-only- need-to-sell-one-a-week-to-co ver-our-rent-anyway boutiques in Soho, to the basics in Gap or H&M or gay porn in the Oscar Wilde bookshop (yes we walked in without even thinking about what the name suggests, yes we were forced to browse and make admiring noises so as not to offend the keen sales assistant ...). Our time was thus spent drifting from cafe to boutique, to second hand bookstore, to bar with the occasional detour to a park to rest our salt bloated bodies. There was an accidental stumble into Chinatown, late one night when our lone brush with the subway resulted in us getting out at some south coast station. Needless to say several NYPD men were approached and needless to say, every single time ... 'where ya from? Awstralia? No way ... you guys got kanagroos out there huh?'


A highlight was a visit to a psychic in the village (true locals, as we became, call the centre of Greenwich Village, the village, and the east part, East Village ... trust me, it matters. Areas and names matter in New York more than they matter in Sydney and that says something) which resulted in a deep discussion on a park bench and a follow up jug of sangria at our regular place, Le Petit Cafe in Soho. This jug led to deep, introspective discussion, spoken at volume levels achieved only by the ingestion of excess alcohol, which led to our being super friendly to an old couple sitting next to us, which resulted in the realisation they too were Australian, which resulted in the realisation the man was from the suburb next to me and owns the nursery on my Auntie's street. Yes, you can go all the way around the world and sit in the corner of a tiny cafe in a tiny neighbourhood in one of the busiest cities on the planet ... and still find a neighbour.

This week in New York also saw the inception of the Lazy Sunday (which can also occur on a Monday if the Sunday is unexpectedly busy) and began on a fine Sunday spent in Battery Park, overlooking Liberty and Ellis Island. Manhattanites dont have backyards, for the most part, and so on a sunny days they trickle out onto any patch of grass they can find and Mr Softees (poor cousin of Mr Whippy) line the streets tempting children and career obsessed anorexics that populate the chick lit genre so beloved by the cities' authors.

We left Staten Island, and Irwin's hair, having learnt Lower Manhattan (Financial District, Soho, Greenwich Village and Nolita) by heart. Which is a good thing. Because once you cross midtown and into the Upper West or East side, you never go downtown again. Unless you absolutely have to - like, say, if you are a banker and your office resides there, or you desperately want to be seen in the Meatpacking District (painfully, painfully trendy) or you have to pick up a dress on hold at Alice Olivia, but even then you'd just send your nanny.

Besides, like, do cabs even go there?

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Flights, Ferries & Fantastical Hair

March 25th 2008 12:42
New York, New York. I have almost been putting off writing about our two week stint in the city famous as famous for its buildings as it is its abusive customer service. Not because I haven't wanted to write endlessly about it, wax lyrical about its unique charm and unparalleled vibe, till you are all begging me to stop ... but because it was a fortnight of so much hilarity, so much shopping, so many weird and wacky interludes one can only experience with people who never stop, in a city that never sleeps.

We flew from Seattle, via Las Vegas, an eight hour flight on the second worst airline in the world, American Airlines. We survived the trip and potential deep vein thrombosis by befriending two flight attendents who allowed us to hang out in their special area, whilst they, eyes agog, pressed us for information on Australia's wild flora and fauna. For perhaps the millionth time in the ten 3 weeks we had been away, we assured wary Americans that crocodiles do not emerge from suburban gardens and steal sleeping children from their cots. Nor do sharks suddenly appear in swimming pools, competing for most dangerous backyard critter alongside plate sized spiders and gloved red kangaroos


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Cold Feet & Starbucks Heaven

March 25th 2008 12:38
From the very beginning, Canada was fantastic. The moment Courtney turned her car into the carpark of Victoria's Regent Hotel (the very hotel her father is, fortuitously, the manager of) the tone and indeed the bar for the rest of the trip, was set. Chilled champagne awaited the weary and seasick travellers, in the penthouse suite (known on the street as Room 606) and it was joined by one of my Top 5 purchases thus far, my 1 litre bottle of Baileys for $20 purchased duty free on board the clipper. To celebrate Court's birthday that had just passed, and Natty P's, that was impending, we went to the bar at the top of the hotel her father's partner is, fortuitously, the manager of, and drank cocktails looking out over the sweet city of Victoria.

And now the tone is set, I get lazy. In an effort to condense the week that was Victoria, Vancouver and Whistler, I will resort to sub-headings, every lazy writer's best friend


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Sorbet Houses & Homeless People

March 25th 2008 12:36
And so San Fran was a swirl of sorbet coloured houses, steep hills, Starbucks and China Town. Our flight was, as the trend seems to be thus far, delayed due to the fog that often settles over the city, and so we took off a couple of hours later than planned. The morning was spent in the flea pit, moonlighting as a hotel (Tradewinds, House of Lice). Arriving in San Fran, we were picked up by our hotel's shuttle, driven by the crankiest old man imaginable (he accelerated towards old ladies on the road ... not really, I'm just trying to paint as vivid a picture as I can) and driven through the outskirts of the city, to downtown where we were staying. En route, was Tenderloin. The best way I can think to describe this district is the love child of Lakemba and Redfern, with more crack, a higher homeless population and the all inclusive lax USA weapons laws. Dee turned to me, pale, as we watched on as a homeless man held up a woman in an Audi, begging for a dollar (his weapon of choice was a urine stench) and said 'if we're staying anywhere near here, I'll die.' Moments later, Dee would witness a man brandish a knife at an ATM ... granted no one was actually at the ATM, because you'd have to be blind, deaf, dumb, mute or actually money-less and miming withdrawing money to volunteer to access an ATM in tenderloin. Three blocks out of tenderloin, in downtown San Fran our mini van pulled up outside an alley and we were ceremoniously dumped curb side with our luggage. Dee went weak at the knees and started making feverish threats involving cancelling our accommodation and putting a hotel room 'no matter the cost' on her credit card. As it transpired, we were in the hotel section of the hostel, about half a block up, in the thinnest building known to mankind, called The Dakota. It was opposite a crepe house and 2 blocks from Union Square and had a functioning TV, and so Dee was momentarily assuaged (if I spelt that wrong Mum, I'm sorry).

San Fran was freezing cold one minute, blowing a gale the next, and piping hot every moment in between. It also is the best leg work out short of cosmetic surgery, and I am proud to say Dee and I walked from Fisherman's Wharf through Nob Hill and down to our hotel ... which is literally about 1000km and most of it is up hill. This was the day, however, that we consumed the most vile amount of Bad Food That Tastes Good and so completely warranted. Fisherman's Wharf, home of such treats, is absolutely beautiful. We chose a randomly sunny day and, by chance (because the cable cars are terrifying and involve hanging off bars at various angles unbecoming to wearing anything short of an all in one jumpsuit) we walked the whole way there from Union Square (the shopping hub). If you ever get there, go to a fruit shop, which is tucked in amongst the merry go round and endless ice cream parlours, and buy a box of strawberries. Then buy a large tub of chocolate dipping sauce. Photos of us with chocolate sauce smeared all over our American-rounded faces can be viewed on the online album. Once the strawberries (all 16 of them, and they're gigantic, none of this naturally small strawberry business from home ... these are artificially enhanced mommas) have been digested, visit the chocolate emporium (begins with a G, the name eludes me) then In N Out burger, for the best burger in the world. I am talking fresh, made on the spot, with junk food-esque prices. Exclusive to California, In N Out has our Stamp of Approval. And seeing as I am probably on my 40th burger of the trip, that means something people, it really does


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Hola, Hot Tamales!

March 24th 2008 10:35
It has been so long since last I penned a blog. This shall surely produce a divided response. Fury from the true dedicated blog readers and relief at a fresh update, and horror/resignation from the faux-blog reader who secretly hates trawling through the inane stories of this adventure. I shall write on, in the face of both responses.

I last left you when we were departing for San Diego. Because I have limited time, and because once I get started on the topic of Greyhound, I shall not stop, I will provide you with key words regarding our bus ride to San Diego from downtown LA


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What's Up Momma?

March 24th 2008 10:30
Day 3 in LA dawned crisp and sunny ... not that Dee and I would know, seeing as we slept in till 12.21pm. I like to blame jetlag (and the Turd Sausage). We both rolled over in our creaky bunks and said 'well, that's good in a way ... it means we don't have to eat breakfast, which cuts out a cost.' May 5th was Cinqo de Mayo, a giant Spanish festival that everyone goes absolutely nuts for - most of our house guests started swilling Mexican beer at around 10am (not that we'd know) and didn't finish until well into the wee hours of the morning. Upon rising, Dee and I decided to catch the bus to Beverly Hills, along with every single other person in Mid City LA, and so we stood, clinging to the hold-ons, our denim-ed arses in the faces of fellow commuters. The interim during which we changed from the 207 to the 757 saw an old man's baseball cap fly off his head and land on the bonnet of a pick up truck (at which I started laughing hysterically, to the point I was physically incapable of helping him) then Dee's day-pass was whipped from her hands and blown out onto the four lane road. In blind panic (probably thinking 'I can't afford another $3) she sprung to life and followed it out onto the road, only to retrieve it when a kind woman actually stopped her car so Dee could leap in front of it.

And so we made it to Beverly Hills relatively unscathed, and it was everything we could have asked for. Emerald lawns, palm trees, rose hedges lining the paths, Beverly Hills princesses zooming past in Mercedes convertibles, talking loudly on their 'cells' ... perhaps the moment that best encapsulates the insane wealth of that area, was when we spied a large bellied man literally coated in gold, walking out of a dry cleaners, where he'd just picked up his Ralph Lauren pyjamas


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NB: title comes from actual quote, as wheezed by house guest, 'Lorenzo'


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Calm Before The Storm

March 24th 2008 10:27
I am writing this three days before our date of departure, more to break the ice than to actually post anything insightful. For those of you unfamiliar with the adventure Dee and I are about to embark upon, it crosses 3 continents, spans approximately 12 countries, comprises 12 flights and a ferry (well, they're the arrangements we know of right now) and will deliver us back home, safe and sound on October 21st ... all going to plan. Then again, nothing ever goes to plan with me, and so for those of you who delight in the bizarre, it is in your best interests to stay posted via this blog - I promise, it shall not disappoint.

See you in Los Angeles.
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